The Early Years- How I Got Here
I have ALWAYS been a little overweight. At least as long as I can remember. Call it a cocktail of genetics (sorry mom and dad!), living in the land of biscuits and taters, my lack of willpower, or my general disdain for any type of physical activity. Whatever you blame it on, the fact is, I was a chubby little kid. In our society that leads to a life of being picked on ruthlessly by little snot nosed, punk kids all through your elementary school career. I remember coming home crying many days because of being called names like fatty, elephant butt, and my personal favorite "whaley." Looking back on it, I never really was that much bigger than any of the other kids, but you know how kids are. They like to take the one person that is different than them and place a big bullseye on them for daily ridicule. Somewhere deep down, these things started to take root and I really began to believe that I was different than everyone else. My family did a wonderful job of trying to relieve those feelings, telling me that I was important, smart, and a very special person. Thank goodness they did, or things might have ended up very differently.
The Middle Years- The Awkward Phase
Fast forward a few years to the middle/high school age. If there is ever a time when you begin to notice that you look different than other kids, this is it. Girls start wearing makeup, tighter clothes, and really start caring about what the opposite sex thinks of them. When you don't fit the Hollywood stereotype of height to weight ratio, there is little chance you will be part of the 'in' crowd. I wasn't involved in any sports or physical activities growing up, unless you count singing around your house for hours on end into your hairbrush a sport (again, sorry mom and dad!). So between the non-physical lifestyle, down south type eating, and an already chubby frame, these middle years saw an even bigger rise in my BMI, and an even bigger drop in my self esteem.
The Dark Years- When I Met Ed
One day, about half way through high school, I woke up and decided I was done being fat. I thought if I was suddenly skinny that I would feel better about myself, boys would flock to me, I would become a famous singer, and all my troubles would be over. For a couple of weeks I took to walking around the neighborhood every day, eating salads, and doing push ups and sit ups in my bedroom at night before I went to sleep. At the end of these weeks, I hadn't lost a single pound and I was absolutely furious. I watched some cheesy Lifetime movie about a girl who had an eating disorder that was really skinny. I think the point of it was to teach young girls that it was dangerous, but it was really more of a how-to movie for me. And so it started. Slowly at first, with just eating a little less at meals. Then skipping meals. When that became suspicious, I would eat the meals and then purge them later. It worked. I dropped dress sizes fast, got more friends, got a boyfriend, and felt like I was a 'normal' person. The best part about the whole thing was that nobody knew! On the outside, I was beginning to be the person I wanted to be. On the inside, I was battling a daily war with myself on where to draw the line between dropping a few pounds and becoming like that girl on the movie.
The College Years- Finding the Real Me
Moving away from home and going to college was an interesting experience for me. I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and with whoever I wanted. Instead of going crazy like some college kids do and partying and meeting boys, I turned this liberation to my relationship with food. I would go without food as long as I could, then eat a week's worth of calories on takeout, then spend the rest of the night purging. Some days I would purge up to 16 times. Seriously. Even with all this, I NEVER achieved that 'skinny girl' status I was so desperately looking for. I was too afraid that someone would find out if I got too small. So, I used it as a maintenance tool not to get any bigger. Until my abrupt wake up call. One day after purging I began to cough up blood. Not a little, a lot. I was absolutely terrified. I ran over to the campus clinic and the doctor told me that my esophagus was basically eroding away and that if I didn't stop immediately I was going to permanently damage myself. I was shocked. I figured that as long as I didn't get skin and bones skinny, that nothing would be wrong with me if I had Ed. Clearly, I was wrong. Not only was I not skinny, I was hurting myself, and I was absolutely miserable.
I know this next part sounds cheesy, but it is my experience and my belief (and my blog!), so here it is. I broke the cycle that day. I went home, collapsed on the floor, and prayed. Prayed that God would change my desires, prayed that God would change my heart, prayed that God would open my eyes and let me see myself the way that He sees me. I layed on that floor praying all night and until the next afternoon when my roommate came home and found me. I didn't feel anything wash over me, hear voices from above, or anything like that, but I just knew that things were going to get better. And they did. Christ became a very important part of my life, and I was surrounded by Christian women who told me all the lies I had come to believe about myself throughout my life. Slowly, I began to tear down those lies and reveal the truths behind them. I wasn't perfect, but I was perfectly made. I wasn't Hollywood beautiful, but I was beautiful to God. I was not a size 0, but my size truly didn't matter. I was important, and no amount of dieting could ever take that away from me.
The Married Years- Getting Comfortable
When I married my amazing husband, we got comfortable. Comfortable in our eating habits, health regime, and our looks. I would cook big meals every day and we would constantly go out to eat to celebrate the little things. They were wonderful times, but very bad for both of our health concerns. We tried several times to get fit by working out, eating healthier, eating out less, etc. We had success, both of us losing weight, only to put it back on again. Before long, I fell back into my binge/purge cycle and I knew I had to put an end to it immediately. This time, I sought professional counseling and she suggested that instead of running away from food, that I embrace it. I had always wanted to go to culinary school, so we decided that I should. I started my own cake business, went to culinary school, was working 2 jobs, and life was crazy. Needless to say, I became comfortable with food again. A little too comfortable in some areas. Before long, my weight began to absolutely skyrocket. By the time school was over, I was the heaviest I had ever been. I hadn't learned the fine line in being a chef between 'tasting' the food that you make for the public, and just flat out eating it!
The Married Years- Getting Uncomfortable
The year after culinary school was the craziest year of my life. I was working from 6am-6pm every day at 'real' jobs, then working usually until wee hours of the morning and on weekends at my cake business. I was stressed, exhausted, and overwhelmed, but I was happy because I was doing something that I enjoyed. My weight continued to creep up because convenience meals usually won out over prepared meals. Processed food and take out became the norm, and my health showed it.
The Married Years- Failing Health
Over the past year and a half, I have had a lot of health scares. Some were serious, some were not, but it was still enough to make me wake up and think. With heart disease, all types of cancers, strokes, neurological diseases, and other health concerns all plaguing members of my family, I did not want to be part of the statistics. Here is a little recap of all that has happened.
- 5/10- A routine trip to the doctor reveals a strange looking patch on my shoulder that the doctor believes is cancerous. Removed, tested, and a second surgery is required to remove the remaining abnormal tissue. Tip- wear your sunscreen, folks!
- 8/10- Another abnormal patch of skin removed and tested, non cancerous. yay!
- 10/10- After 9 glorious and miraculous weeks, we lost our first child. An unbelievably heartbreaking time, which we have chosen to not make public until recently. We weren't given any explanations as to why this happened, only that we could try again. And that losing weight would increase our chances.
- 12/10-5/11- Several random instances of dizziness, lightheaded episodes, feeling run down, and all the while, the lymphnodes on the side of my neck are enlarged.
- 5/11- Immobilized neck with very bad pain for several days and very large lumps on my neck leads to ct scan. CT scan reveals dozens of enlarged lymphnodes on each side of my neck, and a biopsy is performed to determine why. Biopsy reveals no cancerous tissue, and there is once again, no explanation given for the symptoms I experienced.
- 6/11-7/11- Very severe bouts with excruciating stomach pain, indigestion, acid reflux, and the like. Started taking prilosec to relieve symptoms.
Thank you so much for reading my story, and tune in to part 2 tomorrow for how you can begin your journey to health.
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